This weekend was probably the most difficult of your life, both physically and mentally. I came to be there for you, and I wasn't. Nowhere close to the way you needed me to be.

You shouldn't have had to tell me to do anything for you this weekend. I should have been sensible enough to know what you needed. You needed someone to just take care of you without being asked, and I handed you a DoorDash list instead. You should have been able to shut off your brain and just rest, not have to think about anything, and I should have taken care of everything else.

And then when you got upset, I made it about me. I let my ego take over, and I spent all that time fighting with you and sulking. My ego should never come between you and me, ever, and this was the worst possible weekend to let it.

I'm not proud that you gave me multiple chances this weekend and I failed all of them. I am especially not proud that I let you starve, and that you had to figure out what to eat on your own five straight times.

Above all, I am sorry that I made you cry, and that when we were fighting I didn't have a conversation with you. I just took my corner of the room and didn't say anything.

I am sorry that I brought you to your breaking point, to the point that you think this has all been a mistake, that we have been a mistake.

I know it's not just been this weekend. We've had a lot of fights along the way: me not taking you to Chicago, always finding excuses instead of doing the fun things you wanted us to do together, not respecting your vision of our wedding, not being able to stop my parents from coming to the wedding like you wanted, adding a lot more pressure on you than you wanted to have, leaving all the wedding decisions on you, and even when I took some responsibilities, still needing your input on those things as well.

• I haven't made you feel special. I haven't done the small things that show you you're on my mind.
• I made you ask for everything, when you just wanted me to notice.
• I made things about me when they should have been about you.
• I let my ego get in the way when all you needed was my attention.
• I didn't fight for you. I fought with you instead.

And the most important thing I finally understand is this. All day at work, people come to you for help, and you're the one who has to tell everyone what to do. When you come to me, you shouldn't have to do that all over again. You need a partner who notices what needs to be done and just does it, who takes charge, so that with me you can finally relax and not worry about anything. That's what growing up means for me, and I haven't done it. I'm going to.

None of that is your fault. It's mine.

I am really sorry for everything, Sakshi, and I promise you I will make everything better.

The things I want to fight for:

• The way you hug me when you're asleep.
• Your laugh. I haven't heard it in a while, and I miss it more than anything.
• Kissing you first thing when I wake up.
• Your smell, and the way you dry your hair after you wash it.
• The way you sing in the shower.
• How polite you are to Siri when you ask her to change the song, even when you're furious with me.
• All the silly, cute things you do on our calls, like calling me ‘babulum’ and ‘snorlax’, or saying ‘my baby is so smart’ in your own weird voice.

This is what is going to change:

I can't promise you'll never cry again. But if you ever cry again, it won't be because of me, and whatever the reason is, I will be there to support you physically, emotionally and mentally. I'll pay attention, so you don't have to ask for what you need. I'll take charge, so that with me you finally get to rest. When you're hurting, I'll show up and do whatever is needed. When I feel my ego coming up, I'll put it down, listen to you first, and try to figure out what you need in that moment. All my time is yours whenever you need it, whatever you need me to do. Everything else comes second. You are my first priority, and I will make sure you feel that. Being your husband is the most important job I will ever have, and I will show up for it every single day, without ever letting my ego get in the way. I'll listen to you without judging, and be someone you can lean on and want to share things with. I know we'll get there when we start chatting and gossiping again like we used to.

I'll know everything is alright and normal again when we both start having those late-night conversations again, talking about our future, our plans, our fears, our stresses, our challenges, our thought processes, and everything else we should know about each other.

I know words aren't enough. I want to show you, every day, not just say it once.

One more thing. You don't owe me a reply, and you don't owe me another chance. If you need space, I'll give it to you. Whatever you decide, I'll respect it.

This letter isn't me trying to convince you to stay. It's a goal and a direction for me, for the work I need to do to win you back and deserve the privilege of being with you.

I just needed you to know that I see what I did, I'm truly sorry, and I love you.